So… it’s coming down to the wire. Tomorrow we install our works for the Major Studio Exhibition and the Annual Juried Exhibition at the Thunder Bay Art Gallery, and bloody hell, am I thankful! I have produced 9 paintings since the middle of December and about 4 drawings completed along with amplified plans for sculpture and more drawing. From March 9th, to the 25th, three of my series paintings will be on display and come the Urban Infill show, run by the Definitely Superior Art Gallery from 30th the 3rd of April. I’m thankful I have busted as much hump as I have these past two months. I feel as though I am prepared and well set-up for my graduating course as well as my drawing course. I am panicking in terms of productivity (or lack of) in sculpture but the next while I will be able to dedicate my time more intently on those issues. I have plans and that’s half the battle.
However I seem to have come across another issue. It has eaten at me for some time and I am unsure as to how long it has festered in my mind and just how long it may stay. Thoughts and fears such as this often remind me of an infection. It starts as a tiny cut, a small lesion that begins to fester. You ignore it til you realize the edges are a bright colour but your only answer at the time is to clean the wound and hope it gets better. And then it seems almost sudden that the cut has started to weep, it’s hot to the touch and it becomes an intensely painful place to touch, or even try to treat. If it’s bad enough, you will experience fever when it tries to spread. I feel I am at that stage – where all of me is starting to feel this little festered thought.
I spoke in a previous post about how I find happiness and that is often solidified by the thought “I am exactly where I need to be at this moment and time”… and right now… I suspect I am not. In fact the thought that has festered over time is “I don’t feel as though I’m contributing as much as I can here”. Another part of my psyche is focused on the fulfillment of my current job as a cosmetician and the positive feedback from customers. I feel that as that part of my life is advancing and proving I have some worth, The majority of my time spent in school leaves me feeling underwhelmed and uninvolved. Part of the graduating course, called Major Studio, is that everyone comes together to do installtion, set-up, communications between the group and that gallery, fundraising etc. We even do our own promotion. This is all great in life skills, and something I am well rehearsed at from previous jobs, but I have found that no matter how forward I make myself and how willing (and capable) I am for any part of the group work, I have been shot down. And I honestly can;t say I would do nay better of a job than who is taking care of each project – I find myself well informed of what is due and what is going where at what time and whatnot. I suppose for our last “hurah” here that maybe I would also be allowed to contribute. This isn’t foreign to me – this sort of group politics is something that has always happened – at least this time people are capable of their jobs and I’m not left sounding like a bitter bitch; criticizing what everyone as I would have felt my work was better executed. But the part that really seeps and contaminates my conscious thought is that of where I am and why. And asking the maddening questions of “where would I be if I did…?”.
Though I may need to see this from the pragmatic optimist view which is… maybe I have higher expectations for myself, and I feel that I have newer and higher goals. These goals scare me but I am aware that it is a good thing – it means I’m dreaming big. But goodness… I feel like I am worth less… not worthless, but I had a greater feeling to who I am before now. Who knows… more on this later. Hopefully on Thursday.
I think I need to reflect more on what I want to do… and what do I feel I’m not doing enough of… Why am I questioning whether or not I should have pursued the arts?