So much to Consider

Hello Again!

So exciting news! I know last post I joked about sneaking into a critique with Rebecca Belmore, but it actually happened!

I came into the studio late, and not expecting the professors to be there anymore. I get into my cubicle of doom to drop my bags and was greeted by Sam and Mark, the professors and accomplished artists. I apologized for missing the previous meeting with them as I was sick. In fact that whole week I could feel my liver and I was simply ill. I said I was in for more production and not to mind me. I then heard a new voice to the studio, but oddly familiar to me. It was Rebecca in the last studio space. I was kind of excited but remembered that I ought not to get myself into trouble. Sam was ready to leave and was giving farewells for the week, but then mark scratched his beard and I could see the hidden grin in his eyes. He said “You know, we are ahead of schedule and we did miss Liz’s crit…” “Because I was sick” I piped, “… and so maybe we can catch up”. Sam asked about how much time we had. Rebecca had assured them both that she can be quick. The professors were impressed with my level of production since Christmas break and liked my work. As did Rebecca Belmore. I was over the moon to have had a personal critique with her. I will admit I can be socially awkward, but I kind of see the woman’s accomplishments as goals for myself. I shook her hand and started into the session. She liked the idea that I was keeping the eye contact as a main element of my work. She had me consider how to install my work at the gallery.

Funny… this is the year I have had to be reminded to make those final considerations; as if I think my work is not going to be hung or worth hanging. Like there’s a possibility of what I’m doing is still just a hobby or something that I just enjoy rather than a career. I wonder if it isn’t the intimidation of graduation? With that drawing nearer, I constantly consider exactly what my life may entail having this degree and trying to pursue a job in that field. Your ego is easily hurt at the idea that you spent $30,000 in four years to earn a degree that you even have a hard time proving it isn’t frivolous. At the same time, I cannot see me doing anything else with my life.  If I have one thing, it is that I am always affirmed that whatever I am doing is what I’m meant to do.

It’s funny, I was mentioning this to a friend during Christmas. My friend is asexual, she simply is not sexually driven or feel sexual drive. Her brain is not hardwired, like most of ours, to copulate. And it’s fascinating because I will openly admit I am a sexy, sexual, sensual person and I look for that in things, people and life. I still don’t know how to describe it or understand asexuality, but there’s a 1% of us that are asexual. However we were working on theories as to why she may be sexual. We come down to discussing goals. Everyone has them and if think of it, a good chunk of western people find value in having things. Either there is a goal to have a tangible love, having a nice house, good car, decent to lovely clothes, free choice in eating and sex. My girlfriend explained it as, “it’s not that I think I posses some sort of higher intelligence than the majority or that I am calling their values base, but I see those values as more materialistic [she means, in this context, something that one can possess], rather mine are more abstract [being something like happiness or knowledgeable]”. And I can understand her; majority of people are attempting to achieve owning things. It’s not shallow or base, it’s simply those are how people view success and security. I had mentioned that I don’t think it is as simple as that. I, too, have a dream house with a lover and children. I also know what my values and my goals are. And this is where I make full circle – my goal is happiness at any moment. I know that moment when it happens. I think the first time I was conscious of it was in a townhouse apartment; I was cleaning dishes after a long day at a job I wasn’t fond of, I enjoyed what I cooked for myself, we were experiencing a heat wave and with no air conditioning, a giant fan was running behind me and I could not wait to see my boyfriend in two days. And it hit me, “I am exactly where I need to be at this moment in time”. It is not a fun or overjoyed feeling, and it is not necessarily a humbling feeling. It is that I am at place with the world and myself. And in pursuing happiness, I have realized that it is not finding each individual high that keeps you going, but rather the perpetual things. And so I try not to do anything I suspect could haunt me, or let tha5t dear hold me back. I pursue opportunity when I feel it and go on my gut instinct, which has only been fooled by first love. The one and only time it has ever been fooled. And luckily, it is responsible for good karma and good social connections that help me along the way. Maybe this year is so weird for me because I am constantly flopping from being happy to feeling like maybe I’m not as far as I need to be or I’m simply needing to be somewhere else.

Another thing I keep mulling over is my drawing series. The original prof for the course is ill and taking time off ( and it looks like it’s a good thing now, she’s remarkably strong and always able to see silver lining), so the new professor is trying to catch up to speed. She had asked me with my drawing series if I was angry with the diagnosis. It took me back a moment but I responded “No. It’s more of a blow to the ego if anything, but I’m sure I would not have lost the weight I have if it were not for the GERD, IBS and my liver not cooperating”. I’m not sure I believed what I said 100%. I’ll get back to you on that…

Lastly, I said I always update with something accomplished in the studio – four more canvases are plotted so more portraits are ready to go. I’m behind in making my casted voodoo dolls, but I’m a drawing ahead in drawing and will be putting together 3 more canvases and having everything completed within reading week. Awesome.

Installation, why am I doing what I am doing, what does it mean for me in the future, is it what makes me happy and what does my art really reflect… my head feels full.

-Elizabeth Hoskin, and I am LovingBedlam

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